I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
