ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
