Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
