I'm so fucking centered right now
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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