Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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