p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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