She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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