i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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