If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
