So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
