like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
