An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's rum buckets o'clock
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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