just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
