there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
