omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
