I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
