nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
