Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
