we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize