Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
