my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize