i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
