Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
