Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
