Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
