so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
