I'm going to jail i love you
just come out here and I will go home with you...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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