home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
