He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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