Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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