Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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