I will die if light touches me.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
