He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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