In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
