history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
