Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
