Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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