I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
