I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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