If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
