Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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