I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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