you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
