She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
