Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
