good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
