last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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