Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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