spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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