i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
