I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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