I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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