You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
