her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
