Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize