sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
