I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Please don't give away my fajitas
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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