Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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